be more cat
I am thinking.
I am thinking about how I wish Tony had long arms that he could wrap around my neck, or my waist, or a combination of the two.
I am thinking about how I wish he could and would hug me like I hug him.
I wish he could hold me, hold my weight like I hold him.
I wish we could dance together.
I wish we could dance together like humans do. Instead, I am dancing differently.
Sometimes I dance with him and Cleo in my arms, on my shoulder, sitting on my back.
Some other times our dances are a conversation, an interaction. Listening listening listening and no. It ends. They are always first to end it.
Some other times they watch me, especially Cleo.
I am a professional dancer, but now my audience is my cats.
Cats make excellent audience members - a captive audience, quite literally.
Cats are attentive, when it suits them.
Cats are honest, always.
Cats are loving, when it suits them.
Cats are
Cats are really really good at practicing self care.
Lying
Sleeping
Napping, cat napping
Lounging
Bathing in the sun
Finding that particularly sunny spot and bathing in the sun.
I am thinking that I should get better at this myself.
I am thinking about touch and consent.
I am thinking about how touch and consent have changed during Covid-19.
I am thinking about how I now navigate my way through these things.
Touch and Consent.
Am I more clear with what I need?
And what I do not need?
Is consent more present, more central in our lives during Covid-19?
‘Shall we hug?’
Is this as complicated for Tony and Cleo as it feels for me?
I am thinking about how I feel like a cat.
I feel like my cats.
My house cats.
Stuck.
House bound house cats, stuck.
I sit by my window and watch the world pass by.
I learn about my home, my routine as a house bound house cat.
It becomes comforting and familiar.
Will what exists beyond my window be as daunting as it is for Tony and Cleo?
Tony is fearful of new people. New people rarely come into the house, but when they do Tony is fearful.
‘Help help help’ cries Moany Tony, again and again and again.
Newness
Change
Change fatigue.
Tony is fatigued, tired, and so am I.
Tony
Moany Tony
Moany Tony, my needy cat crying at the door while I work from home,
wondering why I am not with him in the living room instead. wondering why I am in the house so much but why I am not with him in the living room all of the time.
Sometimes I wonder whether what Moany Tony actually is trying to say is
help
feed me
touch me
love me
need me
be with me
look at me
talk to me
I hate you
Leave me alone
Let me out
Stop it
I am never sure, but perhaps I am not listening properly.
I am thinking that maybe I should become more like my cats. Be more cat. Be more attentive, honest, and loving.
Be better at listening
better at self care.
self centred.
be more cat was commissioned by Gateshead Council, through their Lockdown Lives programme during COVID-19.